


I'll just try to pull through.

by I_should_be_making_homework



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Feels, Gerald The Alpaca - Freeform, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, Just Feels In General, Morgan Stark is a cutie as always, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Has Nightmares, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Peter Parker-centric, Supportive May Parker (Spider-Man), Tony Stark Feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-06-26 23:44:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19778938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_should_be_making_homework/pseuds/I_should_be_making_homework
Summary: After the events surrounding the blip and the snap, as people call it, Peter has to recover from a traumatic loss. But he makes some new friends along the way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feels ahead... (I'm sorry)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events surrounding the Snap until a little past the ending of Endgame.

"Something’s happening," Mantis warned. Peter wasn't sure what she meant until she started fading away. Peter looked at the tiny bit of dust laying in the place she had occupied just a second ago. His stomach started turning and folding, while his heart rate went through the roof.

"Quill?" Drax asked as he inspected his arms, or, lack thereof.

When Peter turned his head, he had already disappeared. His vision went blurry. Something was triggering his senses in a way he had never encountered before.

"Steady Quill," Tony warned,

"Aw, man" Quill responded before fading away too.

Peter's right knee started giving out, as he watched who he thought was Mr. Strange, turn to dust. He said something to Mr. Stark, but he couldn't make out what it was.

"Mr. Stark? I don't feel so good."

Tony turned around with a look of terror in his eyes. "You're all right," Tony said shakingly. Peter couldn't make out the words he was saying.

"I don't know what's- I don't know what's happening." Peter started panicking, as he noticed one of his fingers starting to crumble. His stomach slowly stopped twisting and turning as he stumbled towards Tony.

"I don't-" Peter's ankles gave out, painlessly before he could finish his sentence. Tony rushed to catch him. Peter was holding on tight to Tony as every colour blurred into the other, and every sound became a dull echo. His heart raced. Peter was terrified. A stinging shiver went up his spine, while he squeezed Tony's shoulder struggling to stand.

"I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, Mr. Stark, please. Please, I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go..." Peter cried out. But he couldn't hold it any longer. When his legs gave out Tony couldn't hold the sudden weight in his arms, causing them both to fall down. Peter his his head hard, but he couldn't really feel anything other than numbness at this point.

Peter shivered while trying to speak. He didn't- he shouldn't- he had to hold on, but it was too hard. Suddenly, the image around him became sharper, and he could hear the wind blowing around him.

"I'm sorry." Peter says while looking at Tony. I'm sorry for giving up. He let his head rest to the side, and gave in to the numbing feeling.

\---

Peter groaned as he opened his eyes. He turned his head to look for Tony, but he wasn't there. "Mr. Stark?" He asked. He noticed his heartrate elevating again. _He was right there. Less than seconds ago_. Peter got up and struggled for a second to find his balance. Drax held out his hand in front of him just in time to stop him from falling.

"What- where- where's Mr. Stark?" Peter asked.

"What the hell just happened?" Quill followed.

"He won," Strange answered. "They did too."

"What?" Peter exclaimed.

"They used the stones to bring us back."

"How long were we unconscious?" Quill walked up to Strange. But Mantis answered his question before Strange could open his mouth.

"Five,"

"Five what?" Peter asked anxiously.

"It's been five years." Strange answered.

Peter's stomach was turning and twisting again. "Nuh-uh. Five- No, it can't- it can't have been five years, I mean- Mr. Stark, he was just here, I-" Peter started breathing more heavily as the colours around him screamed and the sounds echoed louder than ever.

"Peter, breathe." Strange demanded calmly. "You're freaked out, I know and I understand, but I'm gonna need you to try and control your breathing for a minute okay? Stark and the others need our help, right now." Strange carefully stepped closer towards Peter who tried to get his breathing back to his normal rhythm.

"Uh-huh," Peter mumbled as Quill helped him get to his feet. Was May okay? And Ned? MJ? But before he could ask anyone-not that they would know the answer-MR. Strange started to open up a portal.

Peter swung through, following the others.

When he landed he had absolutely no idea were exactly he was. It was obviously some sort of battleground though. As he looked around he saw hundreds of other people. The Wakandan armies, the other Avengers, and a lot of people who seemed to be able to do the same thing Dr. Strange does all the time.

At his side a pile of ruins suddenly burst open revealing one of the people he fought at the airport. _What was his name again? Ant-Man or something?_ the Hulk, a raccoon, (?) and Mr. Rhodey came with him. He couldn't find Mr. Stark anywhere though. He must be somewhere behind the rubble, he thought.

He got into position and controlled his breathing, until Cap's loud voice broke the deafening silence between the people on his side.

"Avengers! Assemble."

Peter was pretty sure he would be the only one able to hear his almost whispered 'assemble', but it didn't matter anyway, since Thor was quick to respond with his own battle screams.

After that, it all happened really fast. Ant-Man gestured towards him, and Peter immediately understood.

Flying over the battlefield, knocking out aliens here and there he finally spotted Mr. Starks bright red and yellow colours between the rubble. He pulled away the alien that was about to attack Mr. Stark, and landed in front of him as Ant-Man made sure it wouldn't be breathing again. The adrenaline was kind of tampering with his head a bit, and the fact that he was very out of breath didn't really help him form words either.

"Hey!" Peter catched his breath as helped Mr. Stark stand up. "Holy cow. You will not believe what's been going on. Do you remember when we were in space? And I got all dusty?" Peter couldn't really the look in Tony's eyes. "And I must've passed out because I woke up up and you were gone, but Dr. Strange was there right? And he was like, 'It's been five years, come on they need us! And the he started doing the yellow sparkly thing that he does all the time"

"HmmHmm" Tony mumbled as he stumbled towards Peter, wrapping his arms around him.

"What are you doing?" Peter asked as he hugged him back, still not having his mind wrapped around the whole five years thing. "This is nice."

Tony let him go and looked at him. "Thank god you're okay. You're okay right?"

"Peter nodded. "Uh-huh."

Tony suited up, responding to Cap over his comms. "Hey kid. You see Hawkeye over there with the gauntlet?"

"Yeah,"

"He's gonna try and get it to Scott in the back. I want you to make sure both of them get to him safely okay?"

"Got it!" Peter answered as he shot his webs onto one of the spaceships above him.

"Pete?"

"Yeah?"

"Welcome back." Having said that. Tony flew off.

Peter swung around, following Hawkeye-(!)-and the gauntlet. He was quick to toss it towards the Wakandan king after being attacked. He lost it quickly too, after being attacked by the flowing guy from New York.

He was briefly distracted by Wanda, who attacked Thanos with a force stronger than he'd ever seen before. She was strong the last time he saw her fighting, but this was so much stronger. She almost managed to knock Thanos to the ground.

Peter went back to focus on the gauntlet, to see it and the king stuck in an Onix type thing.

"I got it!" He screamed as he catched the gauntlet. He quickly landed to scan the situation. Too much aliens, too little time. He decided. "Activate instant kill!"

As soon as he did that, alien started crawling over him, attacking him from all sides. As one of them punched him down he could see Thanos floating in the air, covered in a bright red glow.

"Awesome" he whispered to himself. As he continued to fight of the aliens around him. Suddenly there were blue blasts crashing into the surface all around him. Most of the Avengers were shielded by Dr. Stange's colleagues, but he wasn't, and the about a dozen aliens attacking him and pulling him down weren't helping him.

He groaned as a claw almost managed to bury itself in hi side. "I got this," he reassured himself. "I got this!" he yelled one more time before losing his grip on whatever he was holding onto. "Okay I don't got this." A foot placed itself on top of his leg.

"Help! Somebody help!"

"Hey Queens!" He heard Cap yelling from behind him. "Heads up!"

He quickly webbed himself around the hammer Cap threw towards him. Wait, isn't that Thor's? He couldn't finish his thought, because as quickly as he got up into the air, a blast broke his webs, causing him to fall down.

"Hang on, I got you kid." Ms. Potts (!?) managed to catch him just in time. She was wearing a blue suit, just like the Iron Man suit, but definitely more advanced than anything he'd seen before. Pepper threw him up into the air again.

Peter realized what her plan was, and landed on the back of a white Pegasus. "Hey nice to meet you!" For some reason he decided to introduce himself to the lady riding the Pegasus mid-battle.

He realized how impractical it was when the Pegasus started flying faster. "Oh my god" He exclaimed as they started zig-zagging between the blasts. One of the blasts hit them right from above, causing him to fall off. Peter pulled the gauntlet towards him to make sure it wouldn't land too far away from him.

He rolled over the ground and proceeded to run in the general direction of where he thought the van was located. He managed to make a couple of steps before a blast in front of him threw him backwards, into a rock. The shooting became heavier, with less time in between the shots.

Peter tried to locate the gauntlet but he couldn't feel it anywhere near him. He couldn't see it either, due to the dust in the air. The loud explosions around him caused all of his senses to go haywire. Peter covered his ears and pulled his knees towards his chest to shield him from the dust.

But as soon as the shooting went nuts, it stopped. Or rather, it moved. The cannons aboard the enemy ships were now directed upwards, firing into the clouds. As he followed the blue light streams with his eyes a bright yellow one destroyed the ship hovering above them. In the corner of his eye, Peter noticed the gauntlet, and quickly grabbed it before anyone else could.

The woman responsible for destroying the ships landed in front of him as he went back to sit down. His injuries became more noticeable every second. "Hi, I'm, Peter Parker," He stuttered as he tightly held the gauntlet.

"Hey Peter Parker, got something for me?"

Peter groaned softly as he got up to his feet. "I don't know how you're gonna get through all that," he said as he struggled to keep his balance. He wasn't completely seeing straight either.

"Don't worry," Wanda assured him as she landed next to him.

"She's got help." A Wakandan warrior followed. Pepper, the woman with the Pegasus, Mantis and some other women the ran forward, right into a battalion of alien soldiers. They then pretty much destroyed, which was followed by a thundering explosion. Peter's ears started ringing and little spots blurred his vision even more. The loud battle cries of Thor and Captain America were the only things he could still hear clearly.

Then, after another lightshow consisting of a blurry purple, the battleground went terrifyingly silent. Peter's adrenaline started to wear of way to quickly, and he let out a small cry as he felt how badly hurt he actually was. He could hear Thanos speaking, but he couldn't make out the words he was saying.

He slowly managed to get back up. As he stood up he noticed what was happening. The stones were causing Tony's arm to light up in steady streams of the six colours. Tony mumbled something with a determined look on his face. Peter couldn't hear him though, his ears were still ringing and he nearly fell down again as he stumbled towards him.

Then, Tony snapped his fingers. Peter was blinded by the bright, white light around him. By the time the light had faded, he could see figures around him turning to dust. "No," Peter whispered. "No, not again." He crawled back onto his feet and continued to try and run towards Mr. Stark.

When he jumped over the last pile of rocks in front of him, he saw him. Rhodey was standing beside him. "Mr. Stark?" Peter asked. Please say you're okay. But as he landed and sat down in front of him he saw how much he wasn't. His right arm, or, pretty much the entire upper-right side of his body were covered in burns. His right eye didn't seem to function properly either.

"Hey..." Peter felt Tony's wrist for a pulse. He didn't know how to even do that, or why he did it in the first place. Mr. Stark? Can you hear me?" Peter's voices started breaking as tears formed in his eyes. No, I can't lose you too. "It's Peter," he said desperately.

He smiled briefly, carefully, when he noticed Tony turning his head towards him a little bit. But as soon as Tony looked at him, his head slipped to the side again,

Peter swallowed whatever was making his throat feel the way it did and grabbed Tony's unharmed left arm, so he wouldn't hurt him any further. "We won. Mr. Stark... We won, Mr. Stark." Tony wasn't responding. Peter desperately squeezed his hands tighter. "We won and you did it, sir. You did it."

Peter started crying, while someone placed a hand on his should from behind, "I'm sorry, Tony," He said between his quiet sobs. He lost his entire sense of wherever the ground was at that moment, until Pepper helped him up. Peter looked away as she said down in front of him.

"Hey." She whispered.

"Hey Pep..." Tony struggled to say.

"Friday?" Pepper asked. Peter couldn't hear the response. Rhodes catched him before he fell down, and held his shoulder to make sure he wouldn't fall again.

"Tony? Look at me." Pepper placed her hand on the reactor on Tony's chest. "We're gonna be okay." She assured him. "You can rest now."

Despite desperately trying not to look, and not to hear, Peter listened to Tony's suit powering down. He pulled himself out of Rhodes' grip and let himself slip towards the ground as Pepper let her head rest on Tony.

People gathered around in silence. Clint stumbled trough the crowd, his look changing from confusion to disbelief as he freezed in his tracks looking at the scene in front of him.

The Hulk walked up next to him and he too, freezed on the spot as he realized what had happened.

Peter wrapped his arms around his head to shield him from the non-existing noise he thought he was hearing, as he sobbed, looking at the man lying in front of him.

Peter had no idea how long he had been sitting there like that before people slowly started leaving through the same portals they had came through when the got here. The wounded, and those who came from earth followed the Wakandans to their capital city, while others boarded their ships, and flew back to their home planets.

Rhodey stepped out of his suit and walked up to Pepper, helping her up. After refusing once, she allowed him to turn her away. Pepper sobbed while Rhodey tried to keep her from crashing.

"Come on kid," Clint helped him stand up while keeping Tony out of his sight. He didn't want him too. He wanted to stay there and sit down. Just sit still for a couple more hours. But his body disagreed, and Clint was very persuasive.

Peter could barely stand at that moment. He wasn't sure whether it was the emotions, his injuries, or both. Regardless, he felt like the ground could be ripped away from under his feet at any moment

Peter was struggling to walk forward as his heartrate went up due to the constant feeling his senses gave him. He groaned, and let out another cry as the ringing in his ears came back again. He couldn’t focus on where he was anymore. The only thing he could feel was Clint holding him up.

"You did good, okay?" Clint told him as he waited for Tony, Pepper and the others to step through a portal into some kind of room.

"Okay, no, let's not look at that." Clint mumbled to himself as he turned Peter away from the sight of Tony being carried away. "You don't want to see that."

"I- We- can I go with them?" Peter asked while regaining his balance.

"Kid you need a doctor first. You have at least a few broken bones from what I can tell. When you're cleaned we'll see okay?"

Peter nodded. Or at least he thought he did. He meant to nod.

"You know I only spent about a week with him in the last few years, but he literally wouldn't shut up about you."

Peter smiled shortly.

They stepped through a portal Peter hadn't even noticed before, into a large room filled with doctors and wounded people from all over the place. Place meaning galaxy. Or universe.

They had to wait a while before someone could help them out. Peter was still in shock. His eyes couldn't stay fixed anywhere, so the only thing he saw were flashes of one side of the room, then from another. He was shaking too, to an extent where he didn't even feel his feet hitting the ground in a rushed, unstable rhythm.

Finally, a girl, who appeared to be about the same age as him guided them towards a smaller room. She was still wearing her own armor as she examined Peter. One of her hands was covered by a bandage, Peter managed to notice. When the noise on the background disappeared as Clint left the room, and the door closed behind him, he could feel the pain in several places in his body. Clint was definitely right when he said he had some broken bones. He definitely broke some ribs, and his arm wasn't feeling pleasant either.

His healing would take care of that in a day at most, but before he could tell that to anyone, he started to pass out.

\---

Peter woke up the next morning. He opened his eyes to face May, who was sitting by his bedside. She was holding his hand while scrolling through her phone.

How long had he been out? It must at least have been several hours since it had been dark during the battle. Although it could have been the dust and smoke that had been hanging in the air.

He pressed his fists against the mattress in an attempt to get up.

"Hey," May said relieved as she stood up to make sure Peter would lie down again. "You're okay, you're okay," she sat down on the side of his bed and kissed him on his forehead.

"May?" Peter asked. He wasn't really sure what kind of answer he wanted to get to that question.

"I'm here," May reassured him. "I'm gonna call a doctor to check up on you okay?"

"Kay," Peter answered. Everything was a bit blurry. Painkillers maybe? Peter looked to his side to see the IV bag hanging beside his bed. If he was as stupid as some of those TV-hero characters he would rip it out of his arm, but he was smart enough to realize it was probably there for a reason.

Not that it was helping much, he could still feel the pain in his ribs. It just made his head a bit fuzzy.

The room he was in had a metallic grey colour around the windows and door, and the walls had a rock-like texture. On his left side the wall was replaced by a giant floor-to-ceiling window. The image outside was beautiful. South of him he could see a city skyline. The skyline being impressive due to the very high, and futuristically shaped buildings.

North and northeast of him his view consisted of cliffs covered in deep green forests, and river, ending just before the horizon, in what he suspected to be a waterfall.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the same girl who had examined him before checked his blood pressure and vitals. Peter didn't notice her, or May coming back inside, which worried him a little.

"He'll be fine," she told May. "His healing abilities will make sure of that. I'm Shuri, by the way," she looked at Peter. "You'll be on your feet before lunch."

"Uhh thanks," Peter said absently.

"So you're the one who knocked down Bucky right?" Shuri said as she examined Peter once more.

"Bucky?"

"In the airport a few years back. Metal arm, long hair."

"Yeah, I think so. He nearly knocked me down too a couple times."

Shuri chuckled. "He wouldn't shut up about it. Especially after he watched the video." She used some device to examine Peter's arm. It was tech he'd never seen before. He watched curiously as Shuri moved the device back and forth above his arm.

"Pretty cool huh?" She said. "I designed it a few years ago. It was still a prototype back then, but I guess they fixed it while I was gone."

"You uhh- the dust thing. It happened to you too?" Peter asked.

"Yeah. But I don't remember. I was already knocked out when it happened. Really weird guy. Although I guess Star Wars just set the bar too high." Peter smiled as Shuri wrapped up and left the room to check on other patients.

Peter's head slowly started feeling more clear. That's when the last couple of hours came back to him. He remembered almost being eaten by Thanos' army, being thrown around by people on flying horses, almost being knocked out by intergalactical warships' cannons, the second snap, Mr. Stark.

No, no, no. That wasn't real right? He was just asking himself. Trying to convince himself that he wasn't really sure, but he knew he was. He still wanted to have that subtle feeling of hope though. So he asked.

"Mr. Stark, is- is he-?"

May sat down next to him again. "I'm so sorry honey,"

"No." Peter said. _Yes_ , he knew.

"I'm so, so sorry." She told him again.

Peter shook his head. "No..." _Yes_.

He let himself fall into her lap as he clinched his fists.

May placed her hand over his. "It's okay," she said as she squeezed Peter's now unclenched fist while he started sobbing.

May carefully stroked his hair while silently crying too. "It's okay," she repeated.

 _No it's not_. Peter thought. _It's not_.

\---

A few hours later, Happy walked into the room. Peter had fallen asleep, but the tear tracks on his face were telling enough for him. He had them too.

"How is he?"

"He will be okay, physically."

"And you?"

"I'm okay. Just, confused. I guess."

"Yeah, there's a lot of that going around."

"Did you get snapped? That's what they call it right?"

"No, I didn't."

May smiled pitifully.

"They sold your place. After-"

May laughed. "Yeah, I know. That was a very nice welcoming."

"I'm glad you're back." Happy said while struggling to decide if he would actually fully step into the room.

"Me too," May said while she carefully moved Peter back onto his pillow.

"There are some people who would like to meet Peter. If he's ready for that of course. It's- it's pretty hard on all of us."

"I'll ask him when he wakes up." May said as she tucked Peter in. "How are you doing?" She asked Happy.

"I- I'm- I miss him, you know." Happy tucked his hands in his pockets. "I've been calling people, before the press takes care of it, to pass the time, but-"

"It's not passing at all is it?"

"No,"

"It won't, at least not for a while."

"I know, but I want- need to do something. I'll go crazy if I don't."

"Maybe going crazy for a few minutes is a good thing though."

"Maybe. I uhh, I'll leave you two alone before I wake him up," Happy looked at the window, and then back at May, before stepping out of the room, into the hallway.

May looked down at Peter. He didn't look peaceful at all. His face was dirty and wet due to the tears and such, and his face had an uneasy expression.

"I'm sorry," Peter said suddenly.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about okay?"

"Kay."

"How are you feeling?" May asked while gently helping Peter to sit up.

"The pain's gone." Peter answered.

"That's not what I meant honey,"

"Can we get out of this room for a bit?" Peter asked, ignoring May's question.

"Happy came by, he said there's some people that want to meet you. But if you want to we can just walk around for a bit."

"I don't really wanna meet anybody now."

May squeezed his fingers. "That's okay."

\---

The building they were in was massive. The same large windows as in his room covered entire walls all over the building.

"When can we go home?" Peter asked.

May sighed. "Soon, okay?" May answered, holding back the fact that they didn't have a home at this point. Another thing she didn't want Peter to worry about.

"Do you wanna talk?" May asked.

"No," pretty much the exact opposite of what Peter meant to say, but he rolled with it anyway. "Can I be alone? Just for a minute?"

"Are you gonna be alright?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I just- I need to- to- I just want to think for a bit okay?"

"Okay, I'll wait here for you."

Peter walked upstairs. It much calmer up there than it was downstairs. He walked aimlessly through the hallways.

After a few minutes, he came by Wanda, doing the same.

"Hi," she greeted him. "Peter, was it?"

"Yeah," he answered. "Are you hurt too?"

"No, I'm waiting for Clint to wake up." She said smiling. "Turns out he took a bullet in one of his legs, but was a bit too occupied to tell us about it."

Peter smiled briefly, but his face quickly went back to the same, empty expression he'd had all day. He would be crying right now, if it weren't for the fact that he cried so much already, he had most likely dried out.

"I guess you and Stark were close then,"

Peter decided to dodge her question. "Did you lose someone too?"

"A lot of people," she answered. "Natasha."

"Miss Romanoff?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

He and Wanda stood next to each other looking out of the window in silence, until the awkwardness became to much for Peter.

"So, you powers. What exactly- how do you do that?"

"I don't exactly know how they work, but bottom-line is, I can move things with my mind. I can read minds too, if I want to."

"That's awesome," Peter said.

"What about you? The whole spider thing?"

"I was bitten by one," Peter explained. "One that was genetically engineered to make people stronger. But on top of that my senses were basically dialed up to eleven. And I stick to basically anything now."

"That's pretty cool! The webs though?"

"I made them myself. To go with the whole spider-aesthetic I guess."

Wanda smiled.

Behind them, a door opened. A doctor came out. "He's awake," she let them know.

"Do you wanna come in?" Wanda asked.

"Sure," Peter said as he followed her inside.

"Hey!" Clint cheered tiredly as they walked through the door.

"His meds should wear off anytime now," the doctor informed them before leaving them alone.

"Jeez," Clint said as he moved to sit up. "They told me you had some crazy abilities, but I didn't expect you to be walking around that fast."

Peter briefly smiled again. "Thank you, for helping me get here. Especially since you were hurt and all, apparently."

"No problem kid, really. I'm glad you're okay."

Peter smiled again. It's important to note that none of his attempts to smile were genuine reactions to what was said. To be honest Peter couldn't really process anything at the moment. Any conversation he had was quick and superficial.

The only reason he managed to smile was that he didn't want to feel the way he felt. They fought so hard. They fought so hard and yet they couldn't win without-

Peter cut off his thoughts, realizing he was still in Clint's room. "I think I'm just gonna-," he pointed to the door. "My aunt is probably waiting for me."

Peter said goodbye to Wanda and Clint and then walked out of the room, into the hallway, where he continued to walk around as aimlessly as he did before. After a while, he sat down on a bench, in front of another window. In the corner of his eye, he could see an image being projected above the ground.

He turned around and watched the news report that was being displayed. There was a shot featuring the ruins of the battleground, which turned out to be what was left of the compound. Then, a shot appeared of people on a street, lighting candles at monuments. He turned away when a photo of Tony appeared on screen, with his birth year, and that day's date as caption.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!!  
> Please leave kudos and/or a comment if you liked it!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter keeps being told he has to sit down, and allow his emotinons to come and go. But, that's never really helpful advice isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...... I posted this so late lmao.... But, I'm working on chapter 3 as we speak, so, I hope I can get that on here by the end of the week.

Peter tossed around in bed as he tried to fall asleep. Key word being tried, since he wasn't succeeding. He wasn't exactly sure what was causing his inability to fall asleep.

He and May moved into a new apartment the day before, after spending about a week in Wakanda. Happy and Ms. Stark had helped them finding a new place. May has been talking about it al the time. She even came up with an idea to start a foundation to help people who are homeless because of the Snap. It's pretty awesome.

It was probably his mattress. Keeping him awake. It was different than his old one, but he couldn’t exactly identify what about it was causing him discomfort.

The new apartment was closer to his school than his old one. His window also wasn't right at the front of the building, meaning he could easily sneak inside after patrolling. Since taking the front door wasn't exactly subtle he decided to keep it at windows. Even though May already knew. And Ned. Gosh he really should work on keeping secrets a little bit better. And backpacks. He has to stop losing his backpacks.

Maybe it was the orientation of the room. His bed used to be placed with a side to the back wall, but now it's in the side of his room. Of course the real reason Peter was laying awake was the fact that he kept thinking about how awake he was. Which he was doing on purpose. You fill your head with one thing, there's no place for another. Right?

There would be an international memorial service for Tony the next day. The whole city was decorated in yellow and red. The US president was going to give a speech, and some other important people were going to do so too.

Peter looked at the alarm clock by his side. 4:34AM. Peter sighed as he tossed around even more out of frustration. After nearly hitting his head to the wall because he turned around to wildly, Peter decided to get up and just do something. So he got out of his bed and started doing pushups on the ceiling.

He lost count pretty quickly, and didn't feel like trying another round, so he decided to just stare out of his window. Outside, some kids were spray-painting a garbage container. In a garbage way to be honest. Just a signature and some words he wouldn't dare to say anywhere where May might hear him. On a wall across the street however, someone was working on a larger mural. Only the bottom part was finished. It existed of a bunch of shooting stars in bright colours, probably meant to frame what was going to be painted above.

Peter stopped looking however, when the man painting it opened a bag containing at least half-a-dozen cans filled with the same shades if red and yellow that were everywhere, all around the world right now.

He went back to staring at his alarm clock again. 4:40AM. Peter groaned in frustration as he threw his face into his pillow, only to turn around and throw his pillow to the other side of his room, not thinking about the fact that now he would have to get up again to retrieve it.

But before he could get even more frustrated, his body decided to do just what his mind wouldn't let him, and at long last, he drifted off into a deep, but uneasy sleep.

  


_Ned and MJ were standing beside aunt May, looking at a monument in a park not far from where he lived._

_"Hey guys! What are you looking at?" Peter asked as he looked at the same monument they looking at._

_-Peter Parker- those were the words engraved between all of the other names. The name everyone was looking at._

_"Huh, that's weird. They must've made a mistake."_

_"I told him the whole spider-man thing was dangerous. But no, of course he wouldn't listen." May spoke in a cold, harsh tone. Very, unlike her._

_A chill went down Peter's spine. "Wha-" Peter forced a fake laugh to come from his lips. "I'm right here. May?"_

_Peter reached out to her, but another cold voice kept him from moving any further._

_"You know he was never there. Always out there stopping 'bike thieves' and 'bad criminals'."_

_"Ned? I know you can hear me, c'mon, this isn't funny guys."_

_"You know I wonder if he ever even succeeded in anything a real hero would." Ned scoffed. "I mean other having a sad backstory."_

_Peter tried to reach out to Ned, but somehow he was suddenly further away._

_As Peter looked around in confusion, a car door opened behind him._

_"I mean you're not wrong," an all too familiar voice spoke harshly. Unlike he did by the others, this time Peter didn't turn around to face the man speaking about him. Instead, he watched MJ just scoff, and walk away._

_"Guys... Guys come on. Stop it." Peter's eyes started to get wet as he watched Ned turn around and walk away too without looking back. "Please, I'm right here, I'm not dead..."_

_He stepped in front of May and looked her in the eyes. She didn't look back. She turned around, and walked away towards the apartment building they lived in._

_Even though she was walking in a calm pace, Peter had to run to keep up with her._

_"May!" He yelled as he followed her while running out of breath._

_  
_

"Peter?"

  


_"Please, May! I'm here!"_

_  
_

"You're okay honey, you just gotta wake up for a minute okay?"

  


_"I told you. You weren't ready." The man behind him said. Behind him? Hadn't he been running? He looked at the apartment building across the street. May had already crossed the street._

_"I'd go now, before you fail at whatever you're trying to achieve here too." The man continued. Peter, who was still avoiding the man's face, made the mistake of looking into the window of a car in front of him, and look him right in the eye._

_"No!" He cried out_.

  


"Shhh, you're safe. I'm right here."

  


_Peter ran up to the front door of the building, which was promptly shut in his face._

_  
_

Silent but, quick, and sudden, Peter jumped up to the ceiling, while tears were running down his cheek. When he looked down he saw May, who was sitting at his bed with a worried look on her face.

Peter got back on the ground and hugged her.

"Nightmare?"

"Yeah."

May kissed his head while keeping her arms wrapped around him. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Peter shook his head as he looked at the clock. It was almost noon. "I should probably get ready."

"Peter are you sure you want to go out today? I know how hard this is for you. But you need to give yourself time. I'm sure that the city will be fine in those, at least four extra hours of sleep you should get."

"I know," Peter muttered. "I just- I want to go. To the whole thing. I think. But if I go as myself, I don't think that's a good idea."

May sighed, then smiled as she hugged Peter again. "Make sure you're home before dinner okay? And have breakfast before you go."

"Thank you May," Peter said before running into the kitchen to get breakfast.

"And Peter?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want you out patrolling this weekend okay? School starts again on Monday and you need rest. Deal?"

"No patrolling this weekend, be home before dinner. Got it." Peter answered while wrapping his sandwich.

"I love you,"

"Love you too," Peter replied before jumping out of the window, onto the wall of the building next to theirs.

Peter swung from building to building making his way to times square, where all the speeches and tributes from around the world were going to be shown. He wasn't sure why he wanted to see it. Most of it would be more of a news report anyway.

When he arrived a news reporter on one of the screens was explaining what happened after the Snap and during the battle, and the days before.

"Five years ago half of the entire population vanished. But today, we're all back together. And that is, because of Tony Stark. His sacrifice is the reason we're all here tod-" Peter turned on the noise filtering on his suit, and decided to look at the people leaving candles instead.

Tony's private funeral would be the next day, but both he and May had been very careful as to not address the matter unless it was absolutely necessary. The only reason being that Peter simply didn't want to talk about it. The screens changed from a news report into a photo of Tony.

Peter turned the filtering of again and listened to the audio that came with the photo.

"Tony Stark. Known by many these days as Iron Man, was born May 29, 1970. He was already a genius as a child, and followed into his father's footsteps as CEO of Stark Industries not long after graduating from MIT. The name Iron Man however, wasn't his until 2006, when-"

His whole life-story told within ten minutes. Ten, painfully long minutes. At this point, Peter regretted coming there. He wasn't so sure at all why he wanted to go in the first place. It certainly wasn't giving him closure. Not that it was possible getting that in less than two weeks.

Maybe he just wanted to get out of the apartment. May wouldn't let him patrol yet, and he hadn't managed to figure out where MJ and Ned lived now. The building Ned used to live in was demolished two years ago, and MJ's place was now lived in by a very nice older couple. He didn't have their numbers anymore either. He was avoiding social media like the plague too, because, well, you know why.

A little kid yelled his name from the ground.

"Hey! Spider-Man!"

About a dozen people looked up with surprised expressions on their faces. Peter waved back at him and sat down so other people couldn't see him. He hadn't thought about the fact that Spider-Man had been gone for the past five years too. He peeked down and saw how several people were now pointing at the roof he was hiding on.

People had missed him. He thought of himself as kind of selfish for thinking that way, but he was kinda glad they did.

Peter took off his mask and leaned back to a wall as he listened to the audio coming from below.

"-until last week, when he gave his life in the final battle of earth, leaving behind his daughter and-"

Daughter.

Her name was Morgan. Happy told him about her when they were in Wakanda. He didn't like to think about her. Not out of jealousy or anything, but because he knew what she was about to go through. Peter knew what it was like losing his parents at a young age. And uncle Ben, just a few years back.

She would be reminded of him everyday. There would be people telling her about him. They would be telling her the stories she would otherwise hear in a crappy attempt to giving life advice, or as support. She'll hear the stories of Iron Man and the Avengers but never get a chance to hear them from her dad himself.

Peter balanced a soda can on his knee wile listening to the applause that sounded when the video about Tony ended, and the Mayor walked up to the stage.

When the mayor started his speech, Peter decided to leave. He would probably hear it on the news or radio at some point in the following weeks, so he didn't really care about it right now. He decided to swing around the city, trying to get an idea of what it was like now. And to drown out the noises in his head.

Lots of buildings had been renovated or replaced over the years. Many buildings were damaged during the Snap because of planes, helicopters and vehicles crashing into them because their drivers and pilots turned to dust. Some buildings were fixed in a creative way, like an old brownstone, where part of the front wall was replaced by a big window, making it look like the hole in the wall was some special designer thing. Others had been replaced completely.

The city looked a lot more eco-friendly than it did before. Some buildings had been replaced with parks, and new buildings were surrounded by trees, and often covered in solar panels.

It was a little bit harder for Peter to move through the city as fast as he used to. In Queens he'd gotten so familiar with the rooftops and structure of the buildings that he could practically navigate through it with his eyes closed. But he learned pretty quickly that he might not wanted to try that for a while, when he shot his webs into a pond instead of the building that used to stand in its place.

His senses didn't warn him on time-which was strange, but it didn't bother him that much-causing Peter to smash face first into a tree.

"Fuck!" He exclaimed. As he got up from the ground. He could taste the blood in his mouth, and his nose definitely wasn't okay either. But as long as it wasn't broken-and it didn't feel like it was-it should heal within two to thee hours.

"What does that mean?"

Peter turned around to face a little boy, looking at him with wide eyes.

"Uhhh- well- yeah, you see it's-" Peter tried to explain. /Good job me. Swearing. In front of a first-grader. Well done./ "It's a bad word. An adult bad word? Only grown-ups are allowed to use it."

"Are you Spider-Man?" The boy asked. "My mom told me you disappeared with the others. Just like my sister. She used to be older than me. But now I'm her big brother,"

"Yeah I'm Spider-Man." Peter answered.

The boy smiled widely while jumping up and down. "Can you shoot your webs?"

"Sure," Peter kneeled down next to the kid, so his wrist would be on eye-level for him, and aimed for a wall across the street. He nearly hit a car instead, but the boy was amazed nonetheless.

"Are you alone out here?" Peter asked to make sur he wasn't leaving a six year-old alone in a park.

"No, my mom is over there." The boy pointed at a woman playing in a sandpit with a toddler.

"Okay. Well, I gotta go. The city's pretty big. High-five?"

The boy high-fived him. And then ran back to his mom, while Peter made his way up to the rooftops again.

After a while of just aimlessly flying around he sat down on some high new building. He could see the smoke coming from what used to be the Avengers compound. No one with normal vision would be able to see the smoke that clearly.

But he could.

He knew most of the Avengers were out there helping clean up the ruins of the compound and the wreckages of the spaceships that had crashed. He had asked if he could help, but he got the same answer from everyone. In fact, Wanda practically dragged him back to his room when she found out he had been asking around.

Everybody had the same reason for telling him no. Rest. Why was everybody so keen him getting rest? He knew why, but it wasn't like he was getting it. He didn't want it either. Sitting around all day, doing nothing that matters, just waiting for the sad to be over. He'd go crazy. He was already going crazy. Because every moment he didn't keep himself occupied, his thoughts would take over.

And that's when the breakdowns, and the crying, and the nightmares happen. Usually Peter didn't care at all about crying when there were people around. It depended on how well he knew said people of course, but he rarely cared about it. But now, everybody around him seems to be doing okay. The world is happy, they all got their families back now. The universe, is happy.

Everyone he met walked around with a positive expression. There were fireworks in the sky every night for the last three days because people have been celebrating non-stop. Even the other Avengers seemed like they knew exactly what to do, and how to feel.

But nope. He just felt sad, and numb and empty and useless and-

So yeah. That's what happens when his thoughts take over. And then the breakdowns start, which are followed by more frustration because, he should be happy. Right? He's back! He's alive! His friends are! His family- well, May is.

His parents weren't. Ben wasn't. Tony wasn't either. Not anymore.

Peter got up and walked around on the roof trying to get his mind to shut up. He thought watching the speeches and tributes would help him move forward or something like that. But they only made things worse, and he could've known that, but he was still stupid enough to go.

When that thought arose Peter decided it was enough. He checked how much web fluid he had left, and when he decided he could travel round for at least a couple more hours, he shot his web around a crane not far away, and resumed his day of aimlessly flying trough the city, to avoid confronting conversations with himself.

Having to concentrate on aiming his webs on buildings rather than ducks certainly helped him drown out the thoughts that were bothering him, but his frustration didn't get any less.

Peter tried to land on the back wall of some building, but he came in too fast, and broke the fire-escape. He managed to somehow slide down the wall instead of just crashing into the ground, but he definitely messed up his ankle. So much for staying safe and no patrolling. Gosh he needed to punch something.

He impulsively smashed his fist into a wall breaking the bricks he hit. Without thinking he threw his other fist into the wall too, causing a piece of brick break off, and fall to the ground. He stared at it for a few seconds, before almost smashing his fist into the wall a third time.

"It's Peter, right?"

Shit. Peter's heart started racing. How did they know his name? Was he wearing his mask? Wait, who was asking in the first place? His frustration turned into pure anxiety, causing his eyes to get all twitchy and wet, and something he couldn't swallow formed in his throat.

"Yeah,"

Idiot.

He turned around to see to whom he just gave away his secret identity, facing Bucky Barnes, who was looking at him not in that annoying pitiful way, but differently. He couldn't really place it.

"Uhm- Hi, I'm Peter. Yeah. How do you know?" Dumb question.

"I asked around when I woke up after Siberia. I don't meet kids who block this thing's punch everyday."

Bucky gestured towards his metal arm. "Not that I've ever met an adult who does it with ease."

"Aren't all the other Avengers helping clean up the battleground?" Peter asked.

"They're using magnets to get rid of the spaceships. My arm and magnets don't really get along. Plus, Steve won't let me. Something about rest, and a different landscape than smoke, debris and death."

"The first part sounds familiar." Peter took of his mask. "How did you find me?"

"I guess walking into alleys expecting to find emotionally unstable adolescents has become second nature by know."

Peter looked at Barnes like he was speaking some alien language.

"I saw you crashing into the fire-escape. And defacing the walls." He pointed at the broken ladder above them.

"I got, frustrated. Sorry."

"I don't own the building pal. But it does seem like a great way to get some rest."

Peter groaned. They probably sent him to check up on him.

Bucky smiled. "Trust me, rest is severely underrated. And that's coming from someone who has been asleep for like 70 years in total."

Peter played around with some webbing, stretching it between his fingers.

"I just don't wanna sit still and do nothing all day. I mean there's people I gotta help and-"

"No, Spider-Guy-"

"Man"

"Spider-Man's gotta help people. Peter Parker needs to get some rest."

"It's not helping that much. I mean I can't really not think about it."

"Then don't. If you ignore or hide away your feelings and trauma now you're only postponing it. And that's coming from my therapist, so I guess it's true to some degree."

Peter laughed.

"So distracting teenagers is your coping mechanism?"

"More like a reflex. My coping mechanism is making responsible decisions that still get me into trouble somehow."

Peter looked around in the alley. Then he realized that the only way Bucky could've seen him crash into the roof was if he were in, or on top of one of the surrounding buildings.

"They did send you to check up on me didn't they?" Peter sighed.

"I volunteered. Your other options were the Wizard guy or Steve. Trust me, you do not want life-advice from Steve."

"Why not? He seems like a reasonable guy. With the whole be polite, solve your problems with words and don't lie thing."

"Where did they tell you that? He swears every ten minutes, punches his way out more often than not and don't get me started on the enlistment forms."

"The government made him do these videos a few years back. Like, your average attempt to get teenagers to listen to you. I had to watch him on repeat every time I got detention," Peter explained.

"I should definitely ask around to get those videos somehow. Oh I can't wait to see his face. I wouldn't be surprised if Sam would know where to find them,"

"So why did you volunteer to go follow me around all day?"

Bucky sighed. "A kid has no business fighting a fight like that. You're what, sixteen?"

Peter nodded silently.

"You're not alone in this city kid. This is the kind of stuff that follows you around for a long time. You gotta give yourself time. There's currently a wizard, two super-soldiers, and an idiot with wings located in the city. That last one is equally good in crashing into buildings as you are, but the rest of us know what we're doing. So you're going to go home, and put that suit away,, and then you're gonna get actual rest,"

"I guess that would make your job a lot easier,"

"Not the point Parker." Bucky smiled. Peter kind of reminded him of Steve.

"I know." Peter checked his webs to make sure he would have enough to get home. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah sure," Bucky said as he stood up.

"At the airport, in Germany, I had you and Mr. Wilson webbed to the ground, but I only managed to hit your hand. My webs are strong, but your metal arm should've been able to break them, and your other arm was free too. You could've gotten up easily if you wanted too, and it didn't look like you knew what Mr. Wilson was going to do either, so why did you wait?"

"As I said, you're a kid. Now go, home."

Peter took Bucky’s advice and jumped up to the wall of a building, and swung to another when he reached the top. He watched the sunset as he moved from block to block on his way home.

Shit. Sunset.

Dinner.

Sorry May...  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I'm gonna make a series out of this, with another version of the same story but from a different POV. (Who it is is my little ecret until it's out ;) )
> 
> Please leave kudos and/or a comment if you liked it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter isn't entirely sure how to feel and when to feel what, when the day of Tony's funeral arrives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the feels, I guess....  
> And for the fact that this chapter came so late, I was on vacation, and well, I thought I was going to write a lot, and then I didn't.

  
Peter woke up dreamless this time.

He wasn’t entirely sure whether that was a good thing or not, but hey, he slept. That seems like a good thing. Energy was a nice thing to have for once.

May had picked out a suit for him. Not that the suit was that special. Just plain black. Just like the pants, and the shoes, and the tie. She put it over the chair the night before, which was a good thing, because Peter would’ve definitely forgotten to put it on otherwise.

He did put on a sweater first. No need to risk the suit getting dirty because he can’t eat cereal like a normal person.

After he opened the blinds in his bedroom to let in some daylight, he walked out of his room, quietly closing the door behind him.

May wasn’t up yet, and he realised why when he looked at the clock. 7:30AM. Did he really fall asleep before midnight? He did feel like he had had a full night’s sleep.

He quickly grabbed some breakfast, but didn’t bother to remember what he ate. He cleaned up and went back into his room. The suit still patiently waiting for him. But he decided to spend his morning scrolling through his phone instead of getting ready.

His phone was connected to his suit, so unlike many others he still had back-ups of all his photos, docs, apps, all that. He hadn’t used it since he left for MoMA though. He scrolled through his text messages to pass the time. He had already tried to text Ned and MJ before, no one responded. He scrolled back to the date of the Snap.

11:40 Ned: Where are you? The bus leaves in 5 min  
11:40 Ned: Is it spider-stuff??  
11:41 Ned: Do you need a guy in the chair?  
11:41 Ned: What’s you alibi?  
13:45 Ned: duuuuude are you at that space ship?  
13:50 Ned: Seriously what is happening? They stopped the bus, we’re going back.  
13:51 Ned: is it like back then with the aliens?  
15:17 Ned: They sent everyone home. Stark is missing. Where are you?  
-  
14:06 MJ: Where are you at?  
14:15 MJ: moma isn’t happening, so we wanted to practice a bit with the team  
14:20 MJ: seriously though  
14:20 MJ: where are you?  
14:25 MJ: Flash has gone mad with his theories please come  
14:26 MJ: we’re at the ‘abducted by aliens’ stage  
-  
15:06 May: Peter I need you to come home  
15:06 May: I don’t want you near that area  
15:07 May: Where are you?  
(show 14 more messages)  
-  
May Parker, 18 missed calls, 3 voice-mail messages  
MJ, 10 missed calls, 2 voice-mail messages  
Ned, 9 missed calls, 6 voice-mail messages  
Happy Hogan, 4 missed calls  
-  
He didn’t listen to the messages. He put away his phone and let himself fall backwards onto his bed, staring at the ceiling.

It was still white, unlike the one in his old bedroom. Months of coming home upside down, through the window while stinky, dirty and sometimes wet didn’t do the white paint any good.

Peter stared at the ceiling like that until after the orange glow that came with the sunrise had disappeared from his room. When he realised it was past 11, he decided to get dressed.

May gently knocked on his door as he put on his jacket.

“Peter? Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure,” Peter answered, sitting down to tie his shoelaces.

May walked into the room and sat down next to Peter.

She sighed quietly as she ran her fingers through Peter’s curls.

“Have you had breakfast yet?”

Peter nodded. “I was up early,”

“Do you want me to help with that tie?” May pointed at the tie Peter had left hanging over the chair. She’d thought him how to tie it for homecoming, (well, YouTube did, but she came up with the idea) but he simply couldn’t do it. He basically forgot how immediately after doing it the first time.

Peter nodded again.

Both of them stood up, and May helped tie Peter’s tie in silence.

She put her hands on his shoulders after she finished, and squeezed them a little.

Peter looked down to the ground. His mind was blank. There were no thoughts haunting him this time. Just a deafening silence. It had been there since he woke up, but he didn’t really notice until now.

May instinctively wrapped her arms around him. The moment he felt her head leaning on his shoulder he started crying. Just tears, first. Then they got bigger, and louder. After about a minute he started sobbing.

Peter catched his breath every few seconds as he clung on to May.

He wasn’t thinking about anything specific. He just cried.

Peter hadn’t given himself any time, or opportunity to let it all out for a minute since he saw the news broadcast in Wakanda.

May shushed softly. “It’s okay honey, it’s okay,”

She guided Peter towards the bed. When he sat down, his sobbing gradually came to an end.

Peter leaned his head against May’s shoulder. His breath was still trembling, his throat was sore and his eyes felt like they could fall out at any moment.

Even though he woke up two hours ago, it felt like all of Peter’s energy had drained from his body.

But on the same time, it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

“Are you okay?” May asked quietly.

“Yeah,”

Peter sat up straight and stared at the wall. It wasn’t that he didn’t wanted to go the funeral. I mean, it’s still a funeral but it is very important to him. But going would make everything so real. Present, unchangeable, scary. He wanted to say goodbye properly. He just wished he wouldn’t have to. Some part of him didn’t even believe yet that he had to.

“Do you want to wait a little bit longer before we leave?”

“No.”

May squeezed Peter’s hand. “Are you sure? We would still be on time even if you took a few minutes to-“

“I’m fine, May.”

“Okay. But freshen up first,” May said as she left the room.

“May?” Peter asked.

May stepped back around the corner. “Yeah?”

“I love you,”

“Love you too,”

Peter took May’s advice and washed his face. He looked back at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. His cheeks were bright red, and his eyes were bloodshot too. Even though he’d splashed water onto his face a couple times, he didn’t notice his tear tracks disappearing.

Peter closed his eyes to avoid having to look at them while he slowly breathed in and out.

_In, 2, 3, 4._  
_Hold 5, 6, 7 ,8._  
_Out 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15._

He repeated those words in his head until his breathing got to a healthy rhythm. It was a trick Happy thought him after he had a panic attack during a mission.

Peter looked up, sighed deeply, and then walked out, silently following May to the car.

\---

Peter leaned back in the car seat as he stared into the changing landscapes around him. The city skyline became smaller on the horizon as they drove into the woods.

The drive wasn't long, but due to the extremely long, straight road ahead of them it did feel like it. To Peter, that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because this meant he had more time to prepare himself for what's to come, and a curse because no matter how deeply Peter cared, he still wanted all of it too just be over.

Move on, grow up, forget about it. Adults all seem to know how to cope. Half the planet moved forward 5 years in a instant, and yet everyone seemed to know exactly what they were doing. He wanted that too.

But he isn't an adult, he doesn't know how to cope, and he certainly doesn't have a clue how to not feel lie everything in his life could come crashing down even further than it already has.

May wrapped her fingers around his hand.

"You're right," Peter started. "I'm gonna wait a while with patrolling."

"That's good. That's- that's healthy,"

"But when I find Ned and MJ I'm gonna go out again okay? I'm just giving myself time to find them."

May sighed softly. "Okay, deal."

They pulled up near a group of other cars, parked right where the asphalt road ended, and a path towards the house started.

Peter waited a few seconds before he got out. It felt like all his internal organs had been replaced by one, heavy rock.

_In 2, 3, 4,._  
_Hold 5, 6, 7, 8._  
_Out 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15._

Peter wiped his eyes clean and opened the car door. He waited a split-second again, and then walked beside May, to the house. He didn’t say anything, but his legs were shaking. So was the rest of his body. Bottling up emotions because you don't want to bother anyone might not be the best course of action.

Peter hadn't really thought about Tony a lot the past week. Anytime he came to mind he pushed him back, and distracted himself. On one hand he felt guilty-he didn't know why, he just did-but on the other he didn't really want to believe Tony was really gone.

Happy opened the front door after May knocked.

"Come in,"

Peter followed Happy inside, May walking right behind him. Rhodey, Cap, Thor and Pepper were talking about Tony. Some story about him, but Peter didn't pay attention. The situation wasn't the most pleasant. He didn't know what to say. Was he supposed to say hello, or say anything at all? Then the whole energy in the room was confusing for him. He'd been is this spot before, but the idea of people smiling while telling a stories about someone who died not long ago still felt weird.

Groups of people gathered outside. Some people he knew, others he didn't.

Peter looked around the house. He still wasn't exactly sure what to say, or do. There were toys scattered all over the floor in what looked like some sort of activity area. Morgan's. Peter concluded.

On the wall, next to the front door, some pictures filled the wooden shelves. Most were pictures of Pepper and Tony, there was one of their wedding day, and one of them holding a new-born baby. Then, he noticed his own picture. It was the picture he and Tony took together to provide some evidence for his 'internship'.

Other's were more family pictures, from both Tony and Pepper. On the top shelve a group picture of the Original avengers taken in front of the tower.

"He was proud of you kid." Someone behind him said.

Peter rapidly turned around, his senses being all over the place. They tended to do that a lot these days. Except for when he actually needed them.

The man speaking to him was Steve.

Peter turned his head and looked at the picture of him and Tony again.

"I know," Peter sighed softly. He knew Tony was proud of him, but people who kept telling him that didn't really help much. Just made him miss Tony more.

Steve-like everyone-gave him that awful 'I'm sorry for your loss but I don't know how to talk to teens' smile. Ughh he hates it so much. It makes him feel like a burden. Not that he blamed anyone. He'd learned it's just a thing adults do. It's like some sort of built-in reflex apparently.

Some time later he walked outside, following Pepper, Morgan, Happy and the others. He didn't really notice when and how he started walking though.

They stopped on the pier.

Pepper placed an old arc reactor surrounded by flowers on the water surface. Happy had told him it was actually one of the first arc reactors Mr. Stark had used for his suits.

Peter stared right ahead, his hands folded in front of him. His feet were moving around in his shoes, and his jumpy-ness was worse than usual.

May gently squeezed Peter's shoulder.

Peter didn't notice, until he felt her hand slipping away.

Pepper said something to the arc reactor floating on the water surface, and then stood up, still holding Morgan's hand.

After another while of silence, Peter found himself walking back with May and the others, leaving the pier behind.

"I uh, I need a minute," He told May as they got back to the house. Then, he walked off to the car, and leaned to the hood as he let himself slide down to the ground, his hands being the only thing supporting his head.

He wasn't crying. He wanted to be, but he wasn't. Instead, a painful hiccup took over his ability to control his breathing.

He hid between the parked cars for a reason. He knew that anyone of the people there would do the whole ten-minute therapy thing. Although it kind of helped sometimes, now was really not a time he wanted to put up with that.

Upon realising that truly no one could directly see him, his body relaxed. Peter pulled up his knees, and let his head rest upon them.

"Sorry," He whispered, his eyes gazing towards the lake. "I'm so sorry,"

Suddenly, he noticed someone walking up to one of the cars. He didn't care to look at who they were, he wiped his face, got up and walked back to May, to avoid conversation.

"Are you okay?" She asked as she hugged him carefully.

 _Dumb question_.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Peter lied.

"Okay," Peter knew May knew he was obviously lying. He was glad she didn't push it. In a few days she would, and that's important, but he was glad she let it go for now. "Just tell me if you wanna leave, or be alone for a bit, yeah?"

Peter nodded.

On the porch people were offering their condolences to Pepper. Morgan was looking at her while talking to Happy.

Peter walked away from the crowd, towards the shore, to escape from the constant noises around him.

He stared at the trees across the lake. People around him were talking, but he didn't hear a word they said. Well, he did hear, but he didn't listen. He scratched the back of his head. It wasn't itching though.

Peter let his hand slide from his neck into his pocket, to hide the fact he couldn't hold them still. His eyes were still fixed on the other side of the lake, so he could ignore, and filter out the conversations around him.

A couple times someone started a conversation with him, he would forget as soon as it was over. Or they would ask him if he was okay.

A question Peter usually answered with a lie.

After a while people started to leave, and the conversations died out.

When Peter walked back to the house, the only ones left outside were Morgan, Happy, and a very curious alpaca.

Peter was about to step up to the porch, when the alpaca made weird clicking sound behind him.

Startled, Peter look behind him. “Uhm, yeah. Hi to you too?”

“That’s Gerald!” Morgan jumped from the bench she was sitting on. “He’s mommy and daddy’s alpaca. You can pet him, like this,” Morgan gently petted Gerald the alpaca.

Peter wasn’t really sure what to say. He was kind of intimidated by the little girl’s enthusiasm, since she had barely spoken to anyone besides Happy and Pepper.

Peter glanced at Happy. Can I?

Happy smiled back at him. Of course,

Peter followed her lead and petted Gerald too. He sat down on the porch, next to where Morgan was standing, and held out his hand. “I’m Peter,”

Morgan shyly shook his hand. “I’m Morgan,”

Gerald licked Peter’s arm, which caused Peter to nearly jump out of his skin, because Gerald wasn’t subtle about it.

Morgan giggled when Peter promptly pulled his arm back. “He likes you!”

“I uh, I prefer to take things slow, if you don’t mind,” Peter muttered to Gerald.

He smiled when Gerald decided to give Morgan the same treatment he’d given Peter.

  
“I’'m pretty sure he likes you better!"

"Daddy is Gerald's best friend," Morgan told. "He helps my dad wen he's sad or scared,"

"I bet he's really good at that, he has the cute face for it too,"

"I don't like being sad," Morgan said as she sat down.

"Yeah me neither,"

"Dad was sad too sometimes,"

Morgan threw some pebbles she found next to her onto the ground. "When he missed people," She continued as she threw another small pebble towards the ground. "I miss daddy,"

"I miss him too,” Peter looked at Morgan, who ran out of pebbles, and was fiddling with her hands instead. ”Do you want to talk about something else?” Peter asked.

Morgan nodded. As if on cue, Happy came walking outside, holding two plates. Peter hadn’t even noticed he went inside in the first place.

“Here, you go squirt,” Happy said as he carefully handed Morgan the plate, making sure the cheeseburger sitting on top wouldn’t fall. “I got one for you too,” Happy said as he handed Peter the other plate.

“Thanks,”

“Has Gerald been playing nice this time?” Happy asked Morgan.

“Mm-hmm,”

Peter gave Happy a confused look. This time?

“Gerald is, well we’re not close,”

Morgan giggled, and almost dropped her burger as a result. She swallowed her bite and then tried to explain Happy and Gerald’s history.

“Gerald spit on uncle Happy when they met. Because he called my dad a mean word,”

Peter raised an eyebrow.

“It wasn’t that mean,” Happy defended. “Pepper called me after Tony apparently came home with ‘an issue’ in the back of his car. She asked me to deal with Gerald and Tony, and well, the rest is history. Anyway, I called him an idiot,” Happy told, mouthing the last word. “And now I know what Llama spit smells like,”

“Alpaca,” Morgan reminded him with a smart smirk. “Gerald is an alpaca,”

“You’re too smart,” happy said. “I’m gonna check up on your mom inside okay?”

“Kay,” Morgan responded.  
\---  
Happy stood still in the doorway and looked back at Peter and Morgan sitting on the porch, eating their cheeseburgers. After Morgan was born, Tony had told Happy how he wished for a moment just like this one. And so had he.

He personally never expected Morgan would get the chance to know Peter in any other way than a childhood hero, told about in bedtime stories. But here they are, both eating cheeseburgers in the most messy way possible. Under the worst circumstances possible.

Morgan was too young to fully comprehend what was happening, and didn’t seem to understand what emotions to show at what moment. And even though Peter was older, he was too young to understand that it’s okay to show them in general. He noticed him by the cars earlier. He wanted to sit down with him, but Peter walked away before he had the chance to.

Morgan hadn’t opened up the way she did with Peter in at least a week. It was normal-kids grieving in pieces-Happy educated himself as much as he could. Partly to help, partly to pass the time in silence. One moment she would be happily playing around, the other she would sit still, refusing to talk about anything remotely close to the subject.

But with Peter she spoke her mind directly and clearly. And he did the same.

After a while, Peter caught him staring. He smiled at him, and Happy smiled back, before walking inside.  
\---  
After they both finished their burgers, Peter helped Morgan clean up the crumbs that had made the way onto her dress.

“Do you wanna go inside? Or stay here,”

Morgan looked inside through the open door behind them. Happy was comforting Pepper, while the others watched.

“I want to stay here,” Morgan said almost whispering, but still loud enough for Peter to hear. She put her hands between her knees and subtly moved back and forth. “I don’t like it when mommy and Happy are sad,”

“That’s okay, me neither. Let’s stay here okay?”

_Peter climbed out of bed when he heard someone crying. Someone hiding, that they’re crying. He waddled towards his bedroom door, still groggy from the sleep he just abruptly woke up from, trying to avoid the toys and clothes laying on the floor._

_Careful to not make a sound, he leaned his ear to the door, listening to the sound coming from the living room. When he couldn’t figure out who was actually crying, he silently opened his door just far enough for him to see through._

_Uncle Ben was sitting on the couch, aunt May next to him. She was holding him, while he was covering his face with his hands. Peter couldn’t make out what he was saying, and the parts that he did hear, weren’t words that had any meaning to him._

_Peter pushed the door open a little further, so he could hear more. May noticed him quickly._

_“What’s going on?” Peter asked, now noticing May also had tears in her eyes. “Why are you crying?”_

_“Sweetie come here,” May gestured to the couch. Peter sat down next to her, looking at Ben._

_“Honey, I need you to look at me okay?” May sighed before continuing. “There, there was an accident. With the plane-“_

_Peter interrupted before she could finish. “Where’s daddy? And mommy?” The anger in his voice caused May to flinch slightly._

_“Honey they’re, they’re not-“_

_“Are they okay?”_

_“I’m so sorry honey,”_

The next day, people were coming over all day long. In the morning police officers, after that friends of his parents. They all told him the same sentence over and over. Why? Accidents can be fixed right? They’re gonna be back.

May had told him they wouldn’t, but he hadn’t believed her. He didn’t understand the permanence of what happened until a week later, after the funeral.

Morgan didn’t say much after that. Peter didn’t either, but neither of them seemed to mind. When it got a little colder outside Peter did manage to convince her to go in.

Not that being inside was any better. Almost everyone was talking, yet it felt like it was deafeningly silent.

Peter was grateful when the non-existing silence was interrupted.

“How are you doing kid?” Rhodey asked.

“I’m fine,” Peter said. I could tell you he was lying, but it’s pretty obvious at this point.

Rhodey nodded.

“If you need anything, just ask okay?”

“I will. Thanks,”

Rhodey gave him an awkward pat on the shoulder. He didn’t really seem to know what to do either.

“Actually,” Peter started. “I uhm, I’m kind of having a hard time finding my friends,” Peter told. “I’m no even sure who was away and who wasn’t,”

“I think I can help with that. Can you write down their names?”

\---

The car ride back was jut as quiet as before. Although luckily, it wasn’t as long. May pulled up in front of their apartment in what felt like half an hour.

After taking a shower, and letting May convince him to eat, he changed into his suit. He’d promised May no patrolling, but she let him go out after he told her he would just try and get used to the new landscape a little. His argument being that it would make patrolling a lot safer, and easier.

He jumped out of the window and smoothly moved around. He went as fast as he could, skilfully navigating the city. He made sure to stay away from times square this time. After ten minutes he landed on a roof to catch his breath.

He counted the new, or renovated buildings around him. About five within two miles. One new, the rest was renovated. He kind of liked the new styles there was a lot of that eco-friendly futuristic stuff going around. Like the kind he used to see in sci-fi movies.

Despite the mood hanging around him all day, the city seemed pretty colourful. Although it certainly looked different, it all moved merely the same way as it used to. Trains still drove by at the same time every day. Which was a really insignificant detail to probably any other person, but for some reason it wasn’t to him.

  
He liked the parts that stayed the same. It was really the only thing still familiar about the city. He had gotten used to certain people being at certain places during certain times. There was a group of joggers that used to came by his apartment every morning. One of those 50+ groups in neon-coloured T-Shirts.

Delmar’s was still there. He hadn’t been in there yet, but the neon-sign ‘open’ that was on all day was telling enough.

He decided to go look for his school to pass the time.

When he got there, it all looked merely the same, although the sports fields were all new, and a stone with names carved in it was placed by the front door. He wondered if they would take it away. It had happened to some monuments at least.

He deactivated his suit in a blind spot, (thank you, nanotech) and walked up to the stone. He ran his finger by the names, which were ranked by class, and then in alphabetic order.

Flash was on there, although the Snap was completely random, he wasn’t surprised. He didn’t know why.

He kept tracing the names until he reached the letter N. The first name he reached was Ned. He took a small step back, but kept looking at the stone until he reached MJ.

They didn’t disappear. They didn’t grow up. They will still be there when school starts. Peter took a relieved breath. He wasn’t sure if he should feel relieved. Their family probably missed them a lot. And the team, and his classmates.

But at least some part of his life would remain the way it was. He just had to find them. He didn’t really want to wait until he would go back to school. But even if he had to, he was glad he would see them soon. He was glad they weren’t already in college. He blamed himself for being selfish because of that, but he let it go pretty quickly.

Maybe life would work out eventually. It can’t be that hard right? He had superpowers. If anything that would make it a little bit easier. He was an Avenger. It’s supposed to be easy now, right?

Peter noticed movement outside the school gates, so he got back into his blind spot and suited up, and made his way back home.

He crawled into his room through the window and put away his suit just like he used too. Kind of.

“There you are, I was wondering when you’d get back,” May said as he walked into the living room.

“Sorry I’m late,”

“It’s fine, by the way, a James Rhodes called. He said he sent you an email. It sounded important,”

“I’ll check it out tomorrow,” Peter said as he sat down on the couch, next to May. She was watching some show. He didn’t remember his conversation with Rhodes at that moment, so his natural instinct to procrastinate kicked in instead. “What are you watching?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> (I think it's all going a bit fast, but I'll work on that in the next couple of chapters.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. I know. This chapter is A: really late, a d B: very short. I think I set my goal a little bit too high when it comes to the word count on this thing, and it's affecting my writing. (Not in a good way) so from now on there will probably be more, shorter chapters.  
> I'm also working on a second work, that will be connected to this one, but it starts earlier, so I might slow down a bit with one so they can catch up. I will probably start posting that one once I've completely finished 7-10 chapters (I'm almost done with number five now), to give myself some breathing room. (I'm still in school lmao) but trust me, it's gonna be worth it.

Peter was looking down at the phone laying in front of him. He was going to read the email Rhodey sent him. At some point. He got up and decided to eat a sandwich first.

May would’ve convinced him to read it already, but she was out working on this plan she had for a charity, helping other families who lost their homes after the Blip.

But if he had to be honest, maybe it was better he was doing this alone. Or not. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was so nervous. MJ and Ned had missed the same period of time he had, just with less of the well, trauma and physical injuries. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other in years. It’s been just over two weeks.

But, school would start again the next day, and he kind of wanted to find them before that.

So, he walked back to the table and picked up his phone, unlocked it, and opened his mail.

He stared at the two addresses in the email. Maybe not tell MJ about this though, he thought. Neither of them were anywhere near their old places. Peter wasn’t sure whether or not to go. If he didn’t he would see them tomorrow, if he did he and Ned could catch up in person. It’s really not that big of a difference. Maybe. On one hand, Peter really didn’t want to wait any longer. On the other, well, he wasn’t really looking forward yet to Ned asking about you know, the ‘flying donut’ and, all that came after. He didn’t feel like talking about it either.

Peter let his phone fall from his hands onto the table top. No particular reason, he just didn’t feel like holding it anymore. It wouldn’t do any damage to the device anyway. It was designed to be able to survive his missions which, sometimes end up in well, battles fought by thousands of aliens at a time.

The lights in his room were still on. A month ago it would’ve driven him crazy, but now it was pretty much the only thing keeping him from having panic attacks every moment he lied on his bed. May didn’t know about that. At least, he didn’t tell her. The storage-thingy for his suit had to be connected to some source of electricity at all times, and he had convinced May it was best to keep his suit in his room.

He rarely remembered his memories in full detail. Usually he would just wake up sweaty. A few nights ago he crushed his alarm clock by accident. He just grabbed it and well, it has a very abstract shape now. He should probably talk with someone about that day. Not May or Happy, but someone who was there.

When it comes to Tony, they are probably the only ones who could help him through it. Move on, grow. But those are the thoughts that haunt him during the day. Not that they aren’t painful enough already.

Those that keep him awake at night are the flashes of a dusty, orange landscape seconds before passing out in front of his mentor. The sounds of people dying both on his side, and in front of him. Claws coming at him from all sides, almost killing him. Twenty-three. That’s the amount of bombs he counted while he was lying on the ground, with his knees brought up to his ears. He thought he had been lying there for less than two seconds, but he remembers more every night.

When he first woke up in Wakanda he thought the battle had lasted for less than an hour. Turns out, it was several.

The bombs were the most painful at night. The explosions around him would feel like they’ll never end. And then when it’s finally silent, and he thinks he’s safe, people are fighting around him again. He’s unable to move because of his injuries for a while, so all he can do is watch while colourful flashes of light dance through the sky followed by explosions, and gunshots.

The second time everything goes silent he wakes up.

May and Happy can’t help with that. They’re only able to tell him everything will be okay in the end, and he’s gonna be fine. They’re helping him through it, yes, but he just wants it to stop.

Ever since he died on Titan he constantly switches from hypervigilance to a state where any input just passes through, causing him to be unable to realise that the water in the shower is too hot, or his shoelaces are to tight but at the same time he also jumps onto the ceiling because of a dust particle, or a magazine that slips from his hands.

He doesn’t exactly know anyone, that he also trusts enough, that would be able to fully understand him. And he didn’t want to bother anyone anyway.

And he is supposed to know what to do right? He’s an Avenger after all. He’s a superhero. Every single one of the other Avengers has seen so much more than he has. And yet he is the only one who can’t even ring a doorbell.

Peter didn’t notice he started pacing through the room until he stopped himself from doing it.

“Gosh I need to do something before I go crazy,”

Ignore it, focus on something else. “Lunch,”

\---  
Peter sighed before opening walking into Delmar’s. Baby steps. The store looked almost the same as it did before the Snap. Definitely older, and used, but the same.

“Uhm, hey, Mr. Delmar?” Peter walked through the door. There were different brands on the shelves as five years ago. Which made perfect sense, but it was still weird to see. Mr. Delmar was restocking some shelves behind the counter.

“Mr. Parker,” Mr. Delmar said as he turned around. His voice sounded somewhat surprised. But also relieved. “I was wondering when I’d get to see you again,”

He looked older. That’s for sure.

“Number five?” He said with a smile on his face.

“Yeah, thanks,”

“So how are you kid? Must’ve been pretty crazy, missing five years and all that,”

“That’s- an understatement,” Peter answered. “You didn’t-“

“No,” Mr. Delmar said. “It was pretty crazy afterwards. No one knew exactly what happened until a day later, when the Avengers held a press conference,”

“Where’s Murph?” Peter asked as he looked around the store.

“He got old,” Mr. Delmar told him. “He died two years ago,”

“I’m sorry,” Peter said as he paid for his sandwich.

“Well, we’re all okay now, aren’t we. Thanks to Stark. That’s a man to look up to kid,” He gestured to a newspaper on the counter. ‘Tony Stark dies at age 53 after saving the universe’.

“I know. I don’t there’s many people who are able to be what he was though. He’s like a genius,”

“So are you kid, last time I checked. You’re strong too,”

Peter leaned back in his seat. “What? No, I can barely lift my own backpack,” He should get better at the acting part.

“There’s different kinds of strong, you know,”

“I guess,” Peter sighed subtly out of relief. Having his identity revealed was not a thing he wanted on his plate right now. “I should get going, May is gonna be home in a few minutes,”

“Tell her I said hi will ya?” Delmar asked as Peter walked through the door.

“I will. Bye!” Peter walked backwards out of the store, almost tripping over the menu sign on the corner.

\---  
“Hey May,” Peter closed threw away the wrapper of his sandwich. “You’re home early,”

“Yeah, we finished up earlier than expected,” May answered from the living room. “You went to Delmar’s? He’s still open?”

“Yeah, he didn’t, you know. Murph died though,” Peter said as he walked into the living room

“Poor man, he loved that cat,”

Peter shrugged. “I guess,”

“Are you okay? You look a bit, down,”

“Yeah, I’m just a bit nervous about starting school tomorrow, that’s all,”

“It’s gonna be fine,” May said as she walked up to him. “You’re gonna be in the same year as Ned and MJ right? It’s not like you have to completely start over,”

“I know, it’s just- I can’t really talk, about any of it. With anyone. I mean except Ned, of course,”

That was the thing that bothered him the most. He was already having panic attacks and his senses were way off and he had no idea what excuse to use for it. Plus he didn’t really know how to talk about it with Ned either. I mean, how would you start that conversation? “ _Hey Ned! Nice to see you! I’m glad we’re still together! Anyway, I died in outer space after being attack by freaky aliens and seeing several other people die, and then I blipped back into existence and Mr. Stark was suddenly gone, and there were only these few people who I didn’t know very well, and we went to this massive battle ground near New York, where I almost died again because of bombs and big aliens trying to kill me, and then when it was finally over I watched Mr. Stark die, which maybe wouldn’t have happened if I fought harder and-_ ”

_Okay. Not going there. Bad idea._

_Is it though? That is what happened right? We lost at Titan, and then-_

May interrupted his thoughts. “Peter, breathe,”

“What?”

“Breathe, you’re home,”

Peter sat down on the couch with May.

_But I could’ve- I should’ve-_

“Okay, slow breaths, easy,”

May kept looking at him until he gradually slowed his breathing down. His throat was aching, but it didn't bother him. His mind however, different story. I'm home. I'm home. I'm safe. I think?

“Do you wanna talk or do something else?”

Peter shook his head. Not too fast, the sounds of traffic outside was already causing a headache. “I just- I'm- I don't know,” he let his head rest on May's shoulder, and she wrapped her arm around him. Neither of them said a thing. After a while, May got tears in her eyes. She started speaking, stumbling over her words every now and then, as she helped Peter tight against her.

“It's not your fault. You can think it is but it's not. People can give you a reason feel like it is but it’s not. You know how I know that? You don't hold back. You don't give up without doing everything you can to keep people safe. You're the only kid I know who has a curfew because if he doesn't have one, he'll stay awake all week to help people. I know you break it too, when you have to. I also know about the kitten you hid your room until you found a home for her. You're good. What happened, before and right after, it isn’t your fault,” May kissed Peter on his head before softly squeezing his hand.

“Just because you couldn't save everybody, doesn't mean you failed. Some fights will be way out of your league no matter how hard you train. And that's not on you. The fact that you are willing to fight them anyway, is what makes you a hero,”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!!!  
> Please leave a comment or kudos if you liked it! I'll try to have the next one up within 2 weeks, but I'm going to Paris for a week, so I can't make any promises. Have a nice day!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's first day of school after the Snap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter will kinda feel like a filler probably, but I had to split it to not bombard you guys with a gigantic chapter that would feel way too long lmao  
> Also, Paris was awesome! 100% would recommend. Beware of pickpockets tho. There are a lot of those

“Do you have everything?” May asked as Peter made his way to the door. It was his first day of school after the Snap, and he wasn’t very organized yet. Binders and books were spread all over his room, and his calculator had gone missing this morning. He didn’t have any classes first day. It was just a day to get everything started, so that wouldn’t really be an issue.

“Yeah I think so,” Peter felt his pockets for his wallet, keys, and phone.

“Snack?”

_Shit._

“I’ll buy some after school,” Peter promised. This afternoon he would go back to patrolling. Which was one of the many things he was excited about today. Like school. School and patrolling. His friends and his favourite thing to do. Oh, he couldn’t wait to see Ned and MJ again. And to bring Spider-Man back.

_Today is gonna be awesome._

“Okay then!” May hugged him tightly, before gesturing to the clock. “Now go, before you miss the train,” They both knew he wouldn’t. If he wanted to, he could outrun the train. Not that he was planning to anytime soon.

“Love you May,” Peter said as he ran down the hall towards the stairs.

“Love you too! And don’t lose your backpack please!”

“I won’t,” He yelled back. He pushed open a ‘pull’ door (which is one of his extra superpowers. Especially when the door in question still functions properly afterwards. Not that anyone besides him takes the stairs anyways) and ran down the stairs. His train nearly left without him, but he managed to get there on time.

The train was more crowded than it used to be (as in, if he were Tom and Jerry style cartoon, he’d come out flat), but he managed to get in before the doors closed.

At school the mood was different than the rushed, and energized feeling he was used to (where energized = caffeinated teens who shouldn’t be drinking coffee). People were hugging each other, some were crying. Peter decided the best way to find his friends would probably be inside, so he walked right to the front door. More people seemed to have that idea, so he went from nearly running, to shuffling forward before he even reached it.

It felt kinda weird, walking into his school like that. Not because no one around him acted like nothing happened—like he’d felt sometimes after a mission didn’t go the way he wanted it to—because they certainly didn’t, but because everyone seemed completely ready to start off from where they were now. For them all that had happened was that they skipped forward five years, and were now just continuing their life, or they lost dear friends and family, and were happy to have them back.

Neither of these situations applied to Peter. He didn’t _just_ disappear. He felt it. He felt himself disappearing. And he came back only to almost be killed again. And to see Tony die. But he wasn’t supposed to have those feelings here. To everyone around him, (Ned being the exception) he was just Peter Parker. He was good at decathlon, chemistry, and physics, and an overall nerd. That’s they Peter Parker everyone knew. And will know.

Inside people quickly scattered into different hallways, and to other floors. Peter looked around to find a familiar face. He found it when he looked to his right. Ned came walking in his direction. They noticed each other at pretty much the exact same moment. Ned stopped in his tracks, as Peter pushed himself through the streams of walking people around him.

Ned sighed in disbelief when Peter finally got to him. “I- I- didn’t know what happened- You’re alive!”

Peter just smiled. He grabbed Ned’s hand, and they followed up with their handshake as if it was muscle memory. “Thank gosh you’re still here,” Peter said quietly as they hugged each other.

“Are- are you okay?” Ned asked.

“Yeah, yeah I’m okay,” Peter let go of Ned.

“I’m sorry, about, you know,” Ned said before Peter could lie again.

“Thanks,” Peter answered.

Ned recognized the tone in his voice quickly enough. _Not here, okay?_ “I saw MJ just now by the way, I didn’t speak to her yet though. I think she’s in class already,”

Peter nodded. “Wait where do we have class actually?”

“We’re with Mr. Harrington first period, I think? There was an email, but I didn’t really read it.”

“Same,” Peter sighed. “Let’s just go looking then,” The whole conversation felt kind of awkward. Neither of them really knew what to say and how to act.

After searching the school for people they knew, they decided to just go to the same classroom Harrington used to teach in before the Snap, which is where the rest of their pre-snap classmates had also gathered. Peter and Ned rushed into the classroom right after the bell rang. They were the last people to get there.

“Seriously Parker. You had five years the time, and you’re still too late,” Flash taunted as they walked into the room.

“Five years and you’re still a dick,” MJ quickly followed from behind him.

“Guys, it’s been 3 seconds since the school year started,” Mr. Harrington begged. “Glad to see you two,” he added quickly.

Peter smiled as he took one of the two leftover desks on MJ’s left. “Thanks,”

“No problem, good to see ya,” MJ replied, “You too Ned,”

When Mr. Harrington finally got everyone to be quiet, he started explaining the planning for the year to them.

“Okay, so uh, before we start, I’d like to welcome everyone back, it’s good to see you again and uh, yeah. I should have a list, somewhere. Wait a minute,” Mr. Harrington rummaged through his bag and pulled out a piece of wrinkled paper. “Yes! Okay. Midterms. I know you already had those, but for some weird reason the law requires you to take them again,” he was then interrupted by loud sighing and complaining.

“I know I know hold it in, I’ve got more. For all students who got blipped, as they call it apparently, there will be a mandatory weekly class to get everyone up to speed with what happened in the last five years. Because you all missed the same five years, you might be following this class with students from different grades. Speaking of the Blip, or Snap, there is free counseling available for anyone who wants it, which will be mandatory for all of you for the next two months,”

Peter sighed softly out of frustration. Now _that_ was going to be a pain in the ass. He got that counseling was important, but he couldn’t really keep his secret identity that way. The whole point of counseling would be to talk about the Snap. Speaking of, he hadn’t thought of an explanation yet. Or a story. He will have to be convincing with that one, because it didn’t seem like a thing you’d just ‘forget’.

“Any personal belongings left in your lockers were either given back to your families or stored in the basement in case that wasn’t an option. Any questions so far?”

No one asked any.

“Okay then. The school has informed me of the, whereabouts of your other classmates, I have a list of contact information for those who agreed to share them, they’re all in college, except for John Michaels, who now owns the hotdog stand across the street, and Eline Smith, who went missing on September 20th 2019, after skipping school to go to an event in Nevada. She has not been seen since. And uh, that’s it, I guess. Questions?”

Peter had quite a few but decided not to ask any.

“Well then. I guess you have the rest of this period to catch up a bit if you haven’t already, and the counselor will call you in one by one to get to know you. I’m gonna read a book now,”

Gradually, some people started talking about how they got Blipped, or Snapped.

“Do you have a story?” Ned whispered.

“Nope,” Peter replied. “I’ll just listen to the other and make something up,”

“That’s a horrible idea,”

“I’m aware,”

Everyone around them had only vague memories of the moment they disappeared but could talk about the moment they came back in great detail. One guy disappeared while walking his dog but couldn’t remember the moment his dog disappeared. He only knew it did because his dog was with him when he came back.

This other person didn’t notice they disappeared from the library until they realized the book they were reading wasn’t there anymore.

To make things easier, Peter decided to go with the ‘I barely remember but coming back was so weird’ story basically everyone had. He told his story to Ned before writing it down, to make sure it was believable. “Okay, so here it goes. I lost you guys when all of us ran out of the bus right? But then I got called to the compound because I got a job there after the internship. Which would explain where I was that afternoon. But I disappeared as I was trying to get a cab. When I got back the entire city was a mess, and it all went so fast I don’t really know what I did next. May and I found each other somehow, and we stayed at a friend of May’s until the Stark relief foundation found us a place to live. What do you think?”

Ned gave him a blank stare, before bluntly telling him the truth. “Okay so how about we avoid the subject at all costs and just say you’d rather not talk about it,”

“Or we do that. It is easier to remember,” Peter admitted.

“What is?” MJ asked suddenly.

“Oh, uh well-,”

Ned cut Peter off before he could mess things up. “Oh, Peter needs to take a different train to school and he keeps forgetting which station he has to be at,”

“Yup-,”

“So, he’s gonna write it down every morning to help him remember,”

_What the-, okay. Let’s just roll with it._

Luckily, a man walked into the room before MJ could ask any questions, or Ned could talk anymore. He looked quite professional. He wore a badge stating his name and the fact he had a Ph. D, and he carried a large black suitcase. If it weren’t for the Ph. D, the lack of sunglasses, and the presence of hair on his head, he looked more like a stereotype security guy than a school counselor. Although the Ph. D was also a bit much. Mr. Harrington tried to get everyone to quiet down so the man could do the speaking.

“Hello everyone, my name is Dr. Wessels, I’m going to be your counselor this year. In the next two days I’ll have conversation with all of you to get to know you a bit, and then we’ll set up a plan for the next two months,” He then handed everyone a couple of papers. “I’d like you guys to fill out these forms with your personal info, and to make the whole thing a little bit easier, if you have anything you’d like me to know in advance, please write it in the box on the back,”

Like everyone, his personal info wasn’t that hard to write down of course. Although he did mess up with his home address the first time. But the little box. Pretty much everyone around him was writing down _something_ in it. He didn’t really know what to do. If he wanted that counselor to be of any help, he would have to tell the truth, and well, that’s kind of a problem. If he lied, or simply left it empty, questions would be asked at some point. So, Peter just stared at the paper for a full five minutes. May and Ned had already handed in theirs, and so had Betty.

He decided to just leave it empty. Tell him he couldn’t think of anything. He was the last to hand in his form, and he barely sat down when Dr. Wessels called his name. “Peter Parker? You’re up first,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back! I'm almost finished with chapter 6, so that should be up somewhere this week, my sort of prequel is looking really well now, so I'm probably going to post a little sneak peak of that too within the next couple of weeks. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!! please leave a little comment if you liked it (plz motivate me lmao)  
> See Ya!!!!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have actual inspiration you guys!!!! (as in there is a plan, and it's been written down, and I kinda know what I'm doing.)  
> (I know I answered a comment by saying Morgan is gonna be a bigger part of this, and that's gonna happen, just not a early as I originally planned. (She will be in there tho I promise) so sorry I've you've been waiting for that specifically.)

_Of course I’m up first. Ugh…_

“Good luck, I hope you come out in one piece,” MJ joked as Peter got up.

_Well let’s hope so. I gotta stop being so dramatic. It’s a counselor, jeez._

Peter smiled back at MJ, and followed Dr. Wessels out of the room.

“It’s just a short conversation to get to know each other, and build a plan. Nothing big for now, so nothing to be nervous about,” Dr. Wessels explained as Peter followed him into a vacant classroom. “It won’t take much longer than five to ten minutes,”

Dr. Wessels sat down at a student desk, and urged Peter to sit across from him. “Okay so to see where we’re starting from, I’d like to know what your daily life before the Snap looked like. What did you do after school…”

_Well… long story there…._

“…what was your family situation like…”

_There’s also quite a lot to unpack there._

“Plans for the future, those kind of things,”

Peter stared into nothingness for a bit, before Dr. Wessels gestured for him to talk.

_The best lies are made out of truth. (Thank you MJ) just go with it._

“I don’t really have plans for the future,” Peter admitted. Which, for the most part, was true. Apart from being Spider-Man he didn’t have any concrete ideas about the future. Not before, and certainly not now.

Dr. Wessels didn’t stark talking, so Peter quickly avoided an uncomfortable silence by moving to the next point. “I did work at Stark Industries for a while. I had an internship for a while, then I got fired, but later I did get a job with them. So that’s what I did after school mostly,” Again, all technically true. _Although I might be making kind of a big deal outta this. It’s not like I’m his no. 1 suspect after five minutes. If he even cares at all._

“Okay,” Dr. Wessels started. _Thank gosh I can stop talking now._ “You wrote down you live with your aunt?”

“Uhm, yeah. My parents died when I was little,” Peter shifted in his chair. “And my uncle died a few years ago. Well, more like, almost a decade, but, you know,”

Dr. Wessels nodded. “I see, that must’ve been hard. Did you get any counseling or other professional help for that?”

“Not that much. The old school counselor talked about it with me a couple times though,” Peter adjusted the zipper on his vest, while Dr. Wessels wrote a couple of things down.

“Okay, do you think you needed, or need help concerning your parents and your uncle?”

“I don’t- I don’t know. I guess?”

“Alright,” Dr. Wessels turned the paper he had been writing on, and started a section of new notes on the back. “Do you still live with your aunt now, or did you get separated-,”

Peter, grateful for the change of subject quickly answered. “Yeah we’re still together. She blipped too, so we didn’t really miss anything,”

“Do you remember the Snap?”

_His body started feeling numb more and more with every part of him that started to crumble. At first it was just his toes, then his feet, his knees, until he couldn’t stand anymore. He remembered the tingling feeling on the back of his head as it hit the metal on the ground. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel pleasant either. He tried to hold it back, he was fighting to hold it back. Until he couldn’t. And then he woke up. Alone._

“It’s okay if you didn’t, a lot of people barely remember. But if you did you don’t have to talk about it now,”

Peter’s mind snapped back to the present. “Yeah uhm, I remember it. Just a little bit though,”

_But please, don’t ask about it. Thank you._

“Okay then,” Dr. Wessels suggested as he wrote down another line of notes. “I think that’s all I need to know for now, so you’re free to go,”

Relieved he could get back to class, Peter got up and walked to the door,”

“Oh uh, Peter? Could you call in Flash Thompson? He’s next,”

Peter gave him a thumbs up, said goodbye, and then quickly ran back to class.

He slowed down his pace when he reached a unit of locker he was quite familiar with.

_Would it still…?_ Peter decided against doing what he wanted to do, and just walked by. He turned around though, as soon as he realized no one was able to see him as he was alone in the halls. _I mean if no one sees me, it wouldn’t hurt to check._ Peter wedged his hand under a small part of the locker doors that stuck out, and checked if the coast was clear.

It was lighter than he was used to. Not that he ever had any trouble lifting it in the first place, but the fact that the lockers were most likely empty was definitely noticeable.

As he held up the locker unit with one hand, he searched the floor below with his other, until his fingers felt three vials.

At that same moment, he could hear someone opening a door and walking into the hall. He hid one of the vials in his pocket, lowered the locker unit carefully and quietly, and walked away like nothing happened. (Although he might as well had been whistling an innocent toon while sticking his hands in his pockets, since pretending he’s doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary isn’t one of Peter’s talents).

Peter turned around the corner, and walked into his classroom before whoever came into the hallway could spot him.

“Ah, Peter! There you are. I was wondering how long that guy would keep you in there. Who’s next?” Mr. Harrington asked as Peter shut the door behind him.

“Oh, uh, Flash,”

He ignored Flash bumping into him as they walked past each other, and quickly sat down facing Ned.

“Guess what,” Peter said as he held out the vial in front of him.

Ned shrugged. “You deal drugs now?”

“What? No! Of course not,” Peter exclaimed. “Why-, never mind. These are my old web vials. Before I had ones built into the suit. No one cleaned the place under the lockers in the past 5 years, so they were still there,”

Ned plucked the vial from his hand and studied it. “You hid this under the lockers? And no one noticed. How was Wessels by the way?”

Peter smiled. “Nope, nobody noticed. Turns out the place under the lockers isn’t cleaned at all, which is gross, but it makes for a good hiding place,”

“This stuff is five years old though. Do you think it still works?”

“I mean we have an entire afternoon to figure it out,” Peter suggested.

“Your aunt is letting you go out? It’s been like a month,” Ned chose his words carefully.

“Yup. Although there’s probably some tracker hidden in my new suit or phone somewhere. But as long as we stay out of trouble I don’t think it’s gonna be an issue,” Actually, Peter had no idea what exactly the plan was. May would let him out on patrol, but only the little things. “I’m fine, really. I’m ready. Plus, I kinda need my guy in the chair,”

It felt kinda weird. To have this be their first day back. It was just the people from their old class who got blipped, so for the most part it was strangely, normal. There were just about ten people who weren’t there, and that’s it. It didn’t feel like it had been five years. It didn’t even feel like it had been about a month, as from his perspective it had been since the Snap. Everything that happened the past weeks, it felt like everything happened in one short weekend. Which it kind of did, but everything was so distant. Like he’d read about the memorials a week ago, in a history book tomorrow.

He didn’t know what it must feel like for the other people who got blipped. Surely they would feel this awkward too right? Like, he was just sitting in class, discussing his plans for the afternoon like he would’ve done before. Apart from the fact that Ned knew he was _there_ it was like they just had a vacation, and school continued afterwards. It even felt like nothing happened sometimes. Like it was completely normal to blink and move forward five years.

“Hey! Earth to Peter, the bell rang like an hour ago,” Flash said as he threw a paper plane into Peter’s direction, who avoided it just in time.

“Shut up Flash,” MJ said as she picked up the plane, and launched it straight into the trash bin.

Flash scoffed, threw up a middle finger and left the room. “See ya then Parker!”

“Seriously though?” Ned asked. “Are you okay? You were like definitely not on this planet,”

“It’s only been two minutes after the bell rang by the way,” MJ followed up.

“I’m fine,” Peter promised. “The whole Blip, Snap-thing, whatever is messing with my head a bit that’s all,”

MJ and Ned both gave him a questioning look. Ned because he knew. Not exactly, but enough. And MJ because he was simply a horrible liar.

“Really, I’m fine,” Peter assured them. “We should probably go though, if we’re still here when he wakes up, we’re actually going to have things to do this afternoon,” Peter continued as he gestured to Mr. Harrington, who had fallen asleep behind his desk.

After the three of them exchanged contact info and addresses, MJ went home, and Ned and Peter tried to find a relatively safe alleyway close by. And with safe they mean one they wouldn’t be seen.

“Alright,” Peter said as he suited up. “We’ve got a hands-free call thingy, I’ve got a suit-,”

“Is that nano tech?” Ned exclaimed as he held up Peter’s arm. “It’s so smooth. You can’t even see your web shooters!”

Peter smiled. “Yup. Wait a minute, I’ve got these too,” He unfolded the claw-legs things that were built into his suit. “I’m really living up to the name now huh?”

“That. Is awesome!”

“I’m not even sure if this is all. I haven’t really gotten a proper chance to try it out in the city, so maybe we could let KAREN run a refresher course this afternoon?”

Ned nodded in agreement as he let go of Peter’s arm. “Good idea. We could do it on the roof of the building I live in. It has this big billboard on top, so we can try out the webs and stuff on that,” He suggested.

“See you in twenty minutes? I’ll bring food by the way,”

Peter and Ned checked if the coast was clear, and then Ned snuck out of the alley first, to catch his bus, while Peter climbed one of the buildings so he could get there from above.

Peter glanced to the street the make sure Ned had caught his bus. When he concluded he had, Peter took a few steps back, and then ran forward as fast as he could, before jumping into the sky. He caught himself by sticking his webs to a nearby balcony and swung of through the city.

Just like before. _Kind of._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!! Feel free to leave comment!  
> Btw, a little update on my upcoming work, Idk if I dropped the title yet, but the title will be 'to live'. I've made first drafts for the first 5 1/2 chapters now, and I'm doing final touches on the first and second so I can give you guys a sneak peak! So please stay tuned for that!  
> As for this one, I'm editing chapter 8, so I'll have that up by Sunday I think.


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